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Date: Thu, 22 Jun 1995 17:10:33 -0500
From: Eric Herman 
Message-Id: <199506222210.AA21522@congress.polygon.com>
To: jenkins@arch.umsl.edu
Subject: Re:  Noah, the ark, and a few snakes
Content-Type: text
Content-Length: 3227
Status: RO

> > This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, 
> > Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU. 
> > 
> > 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO 
> > KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING 
> > QUESTION:  ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR 
> > ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS 
> > A PERSON? 
> > 
> > I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I 
> > have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making 
> > them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic 
> > slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time 
> > efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. 
> > 
> > I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can 
> > pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 
> > Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a 
> > veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. 
> > 
> > Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly 
> > defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of 
> > ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the 
> > Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I 
> > build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang 
> > gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances 
> > free of charge. 
> > 
> > I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. 
> > Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening 
> > wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan 
> > mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. 
> > Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force 
> > demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me 
> > fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. 
> > 
> > I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly 
> > accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield 
> > in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that 
> > evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the 
> > supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. 
> > I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on 
> > vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of 
> > terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of 
> > physics do not apply to me. 
> > 
> > I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On 
> > weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. 
> > Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it 
> > down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli 
> > and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights 
> > in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling 
> > bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed 
> > open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. 
> > 
> > But I have not yet gone to college. 

&d